What you’d expect?


A Poorer World Without Anthony Bourdain

Brutally honest. That was my first impression towards Mr. Bourdain. The first time I've seen him was on No Reservation reruns on Asia Food Channel circa 2016. It was a back to back episode and that was all it took him to color me interested. I googled him and happily found that my first impression wasn't very far to what he was described by articles all over the interwebs. I became a fan immediately. To be honest, looking back, it wasn't much of a fanboying. I didn't see him as much as I saw Gordon Ramsay or Jamie Oliver. Or other celebrity chefs with fresh looks and cute gimmicks that naturally get a lot more screen time. I guess it's partly because his low profile nature that wasn't encouraging him to flaunt his celebrity status or his culinary prowess as a blatant habit. He simply was there as a person who passionately–or, according to him, enthusiastly– be. I did not know Mr. Bourdain personally, but boy I wish I did, even though I'd probably die of humiliation by his witty remarks after the first encounter. He was dark and bitter. Yet it seemed to me that he had it figured out, this world. He had it in him the courage and the enthusiasm to do things many people won't even consider. He lifted my horizon and showed me a great many things. A man with so much love to what he does, and gained much love for it. A man with so many to live for. Death was swift and sure. None will ever escape her embrace. But his was cold and shocking. So unlike his clever tongue or his honest smile. His passing was rather a ripple of agony, finite for those who were touched by him, instead of a huge shock over the earth. Yet, on his years living upon the earth, he had left a mark that will touch the hearts of many others. And an emptiness no other person will ever fill.
“[When I die], I will decidedly not be regretting missed opportunities for a good time. My regrets will be more along the lines of a sad list of people hurt, people let down, assets wasted and advantages squandered.”
I hope you find peace, Sir. I hope you'd agree with me that this world is a beautiful place, some people are born to make it harder to live, but it is a beautiful place indeed. I had wished that one day I'd eat in one of the restaurants in your show and somehow seeing you there, sitting and eating normally. I don't wish for small talk or acknowledgment, just seeing you eat and drink in the same place would be good enough for my bucket list. But the ship had sailed. So sail on, sail on, sailor.

Widows and Orphans

The easy Sunday started out with a blast Three, to be precise Another body hit the floor Another life went to ruin All these are what we could expect In a country with more pride than respect Another set of candle burn Another song to cope with mourn Then a profile picture change And then, same old 'who's to blame?' The lives the tragedy claims 'tween your daily posts and games Then something else take their place Easier to digest, softer to embrace Then the dead be forgotten The wrong, forgiven Life goes on and on 'cept for the widows and the orphans

Moving Out

It's time to move on and switch to what really matters, isn't it?

Toast and Unsalted Butter

I don’t know what makes me smile the wider:
The smell of a whole grain toast
Or the sound of butter knife scratching to its surface
And still can’t decide which makes me miss you more

We never really care that you’d prefer a white bread
Or that we toast our bread differently
Or that I’m having this for lunch
This is forever our favorite breakfast

In all these little extra strength
Spreading this frozen butter
In every bite, I smile to the memory of you
and the prospect of seeing you again soon


How are you, Dad? I know you’re frowning right now, the way you did I tried, Dad. I really do.   I dreamt about you once You looked great rough on the edges, the way you’ve always been in a place I know you’d rather be   I wonder all the time, Dad What would be if you were still around? What would you say to me right now What did I do wrong this time   I still have that yellow lego jeep you gave me I smile every time i look at it it’s dusty and i guess its missing some parts i have never been good at keeping things   I still remember how you wake me in that early morning to show me that orange helicopter you’ve built all night I remember loving it so much I don’t know where it went though   It was hard, after you left we weren’t ready I thought I was, but I was’t. I’ll never will   You aren’t a good person, everyone knows that and anyone who says otherwise does not know you like I do but you are always pure at heart and that’s how I want to remember you I love you Dad, and I know you loved me too   Are you with bro now? do you guys see each other over there? If you do tell him I say hi I hope you both get along well, though   how many words did I speak to you, dad? how many times did I offend you? and that one time I didn’t say happy birthday to you but you said I did I wish I could come back and hug you   You wanted to see me that one last day I was there but I didn’t come The thought of it was ‘the last one’ was so far off my head I will resent that decision until the day I die   Once again, I love you you made me who I am you’re the only man that will ever have my eternal respect   Allahummaghfirlahu warhamhu wa'afihii wa'fu'anhu

Past Smiles

Time and time i caught a glimpse of my past

I can’t remember if it was a dream

or a childhood or

previous live, who knows? 

what i remember though, Is the scent of old dust on that whitewashed wall

and the sound of a hundred flapping birds reaching in for a prospect of breadcrumbs 

I remember the wind and the chatter of people now gone

and the smiles of friends that were

I remember waiting for someone to come 

it left me with a smile, every time

but the image wont stay long

and when i came back to where I was


i guess life is dark and dull

you realize that dreams and hopes are false advertising

while fears are real

and that bright-shining-future of your ten-year-old-self has flown away 

if you could, would you return?

walk back to 20 years past

find your childhood

and tell him not to grow up? 

oh, father time

all matters

are a mere sound of the wind

that blow as he pass by



Sudah, api kini tinggal bara

diatasnya beterbangan debu nyala

dan nafas pun pelan terhela

karena bintang menolak bersua

Memang dulu, kukira dunia

yang kugenggam dalam sepi

namun saat tanganku terbuka

yang terlihat cuma mimpi

Debu-debu mimpi rapuh berkilauan

jatuh ke bumi, binasa di antara rerumputan

kilau yang tersisa di tangan

jadi teladan

Detak jantungnya cepat, dia 

Kelak lebam aku dilumatnya

Kepadanya kutitipkan nama yang perkasa

Biar tak perlu ia meminjam gemuruh halilintar

Kepadanya kuserahkan segala impi

Biar diraih segala ingin

Menatap dari sini nanti, di tepi kehidupan

Saat bara dan debu sama-sama padam


If borrowed experience and inherited wisdom puff me up with conceit and as such coax me to behave boastfully among others, let me suffer Thy torment drown me in discouragement and shamefulness.

I am but a man, proud and vain. This shift and skin that covers me conceal none of the filth within me, which my very mouth and fingers disdainfully gloat. O Lord, show me the light, for I am blinded with vanity. Only unto Thee, I take shelter from all the deceitfulness of the world.



Regrets and Outcomes

I never, ever, in my life time, consider myself as a good person. I mean good. Or kind. Like Forrest Gump kind of kind. Or like Steve Rogers, if he’s real. Like honest, gentle, caring, family man kind of good. No. Never.

To be frank, I am a bad person. I curse like a sailor. I treat people like they don’t matter much. I don’t know if there’s a single person I knew (heck, in the world) that I had never lied to. I raise my chin up high and I drive recklessly.

But you know, I never liked being a bad man. I hate the sense of guilt. I hate the aftertaste of doing bad things. I don’t enjoy being bad.

So I try to be good.

Turns out it’s the hardest thing to do. Why? because good is relative. And the things you’ve done in the past, how you look like, and the vibe that comes with your attitude, affect it’s value tremendously. Not to mention that all kind of people demand all kind of goodness. 

But I keep trying.

But you can never satisfy everyone. Classic. And the more people you try to make happy, the more of them disappoint.

I guess that’s what there is to live, though. I kind of sceptical on what the old men say: “Treat others the way you want to be treated.” or “Good things come for those who waits” or any other kind of bullshit. You know what? Bad people win. They win plenty of fight against good, and there’s nothing you can do except convincing yourself that hell is real and it hath no fury. I mean, how often you see bad drivers who cut in traffic got pulled over by cops? or caught in an accident? How often did you see them run away while flipping you off instead?

I don’t live for the last laugh, though.

Happiness is a delicate thing. It is supposed to be earned, never given. For those who receive, will take it for granted.

But I’ll be good anyway.


Abattoir Agenda

I have to admit.

Some people are still alive simply because I allowed them to. Saved only by small voice inside my head that keeps telling me that 20 years in chains (or any pain in the effort) do not worth their worthless soul.

Nevertheless, I still consider that the world would be a better place if these pathetic excuse for people just cease to exist.

1. Money-sucking, respect-demanding pigs with made-up violation and justified bribery.

2. Drivers/riders whose life were saved just because I have enough pity (and a well-functioning brake-reflex-mechanism) on my disposal.

3. Violent, pretentious fanatics

4. Racist militants who don’t even belong to the race they so furiously corroborate.

5. Drug-dealers.

6. Machete-and-prescription-pills-nerve-amplified criminals.

7. Social media celebrities who never bother to think that “they could be wrong”, and spit whatever the fuck their miserable mind figure, regardless how hateful or damaging.

8. People who feed no. 7 with money and doctrine materials.

9. People who create the doctrine materials for no. 8

10. Teachers who don’t understand what they’re teaching.

11. Teachers who don’t understand what they’re teaching and say anything to avoid looking dumb in front of their pupils. Regardless said thing have any accuracy on being a fact or otherwise a made-up information.

12. Teachers who refuse to be corrected no matter what

13. Judges that derelict their duty.

14. People who had it arranged for no. 13.

15. People who knows about no. 13 and 14′s business and don’t do anything.

and the list goes on and on and on.

The world was made worse by some seriously fucked-up people.

I refuse to think that they deserve second chances.

I will forever resent them.

I will always be longing for the time they perish.

May they die a violent, shameful death with slow, painful process that last a lot longer than they can endure.


“We will fight a battle and then we’ll rest. Alive or dead, we’ll rest.”




“You want to lead, someday? Then learn to follow”


“… Valar Morghulis”





My relationship with my muse is a delicate one at the best of times and I feel that it is my duty to protect her from influences that may offend her fragile nature.

She comes to me with the gift of song and in return I treat her with the respect I feel she deserves — in this case this means not subjecting her to the indignities of judgement and competition. My muse is not a horse and I am in no horse race and if indeed she was, still I would not harness her to this tumbrel — this bloody cart of severed heads and glittering prizes. My muse may spook! May bolt! May abandon me completely!

~ Nick Cave


Aku Ingin Menjadi Batu di Dasar Kali

Aku ingin menjadi batu di dasar kali
Bebas dari pukulan angin dan keruntuhan
Sementara biar orang-orang bersibuk diri
Dalam desau rumput dan pohonan

Jangan aku memandang keluasan langit tiada tara
seperti padang-padang tengadah
Atau gunung-gunung menjulang
Tapi aku ingin menjadi sekedar bagian
dari kediaman

Aku sudah tak tahan lagi melihat burung-burung pindahan
Yang kau bunuh dengan keangkuhanmu —yang mati terkapar
Di sangkar-sangkar putih waktu
O, aku ingin jadi batu di dasar kali


Thought via Path

I think i’ll just… Play dead for a while. – Read on Path.


Happy (?) New Year

Happy New Year, happy new year.

time as we know it, is relative. and with relativity, there exist probability, and perception.

as a matter of fact, the world where we lived in was created by the summation of probability of ideas and general perception,

and by perception, there include subjective evaluation and personal justification. Which dare i say is as meaningless as guilty pleasure or white lie.

such a pity that the society as we know it is constructed by the very idea of perception. in which goodness or badness was determined by majority. and those who beg to differ are just a disturbance that shamefully coexist on every corner of majority itself.

at the end of the day the winners are those who are gifted to be able to please most. probably that’s why we love public figures.

but happy new year, for come tomorrow the rich will still be rich. and the poor will still be poor. but things might change, sadly enough you probably don’t make it to bear witness. are you thinking now what the word ‘happy’ in the phrase ‘happy new year’ stands for? are you going to be happy this whole year? or only when it’s new? what’s the point of celebrating the countdown towards the end? is there happiness to obtain? what kind of happiness? like receiving a present? or like when you kissed by someone? or like a good day to die? is it a gift? is it a curse?

but a new year it is

and such happy, happy thought

so happy, happy new year.

for tomorrow might be good for something.

and be happy for you are free

or for the food on the table

or for the air you breath

or for the knife inside your lung

or for the blood that runs black

or for the vomit on your armani

for us, proud, empty, hollow things, gasping for breath, begging for life while you never admit how lucky you are while you’ve spared one.

am i talking nonsense here?

it’s actually rather subjective.


“On Olympus, we measure Wisdom against Athena, Speed against Hermes, Power against Zeus. But we measure Courage… against Captain America.”
~ hercules


“Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.”
― Hamilton Wright Mabie




Iron mask


- Deadpool -


What I think about conspiracy theorist these days

The art of conspiracy theory is all about discretion. That’s all there is to it. That’s why it is called conspiracy. It is unlike the publishing about the huge scam of the last presidential election. It is not supposed to be all that predictable, easy to understand, or common. It is NOT a sudden clarity. It is a slow-paced clarification, derived through small yet repetitive collections of recognition about the existence of measurable oddity of a few or more worldwide scale events of history.

The call of clarity will eventually obtained through a series of accidental or non-accidental encounter of similar minds of a few likely theorems.

The discretion, once again, is the key of the maximum psychological impact. Because knowing a lot of things from a few books and boasting about it to everyone only make you an impossible piece of puzzle; no matter how attractive, you are not useful. While a simple hint in a conversation between a cabdriver and his passenger could have a lot more significant impact.

It returns once again to the depth of the source. Without a discreet behavior, a conspiracy theory would simply echo like another jehovah witness’ blabbering, if not less, another whore writing complicated looking status to attract attention. Another teenage drama queen with a pair of thick glasses, with a huge thick “NERD” writing on the forehead.

Borrowed knowledge and overrated wisdom. Add a little attention-deficit disorder to it and BAM! Another whore with obvious begging of attention. As we all know that the emptiest bottle make the highest pitch. It just won’t work that way.



Victim number…

“I really hate to wake up. For I hate what I have become. ”

Things you own will eventually owning you, and you will eventually become that person you hate the most. What have I become? Less than a man.




story: Me

illustration: Cepe


Contemplation Compilation #1

In my short-term exile I learned some things

One, never hope for anyone to care for you, no matter how you care about them.

two, we thought all we want is to ‘disappear’, but what we actually want is to be ‘found’.

three, pain is most painful when you pretend to smile and to look happy.

four, When you do something right, no one remembers. when you screw up, nobody forgets.

five, never make a permanent decision under temporary emotion.

six, too many people buy things they don’t need to impress people who don’t give a shit.

seven, we can’t read one’s mind like a book. and that goes vice versa. don’t expect anyone to understand the way you feel right now.

eight. we can’t please everyone. we can’t expect someone to understand a level eight conversation while he/she only capable to think on level five.

nine, every promise with “forever” or “never” is a lie. because in this universe, nothing lasts forever.

ten, alcohol (as so as milk and cheese) never solve your problem. get yourself together and work it out.

eleven, when you tell your problem to others, some are happy you had it, some are confuse, the rest are just don’t care.

twelve, the best thing of being alone is to be able to perceive more than give. thus, you gain much more.


My Playlist for the Month

i’ve been looking all over the internet for these songs. very few of them can still be found as records. i remember the first days after i declared myself the straight edge oath, these songs were the first to grasp my ear. well, not all is actually that old, some are new references or new songs from old bands. i’d really love to put this as .zip and upload it, but i know some really cruel people over the internet who will do whatever it takes to make me regret that. so i guess i’ll just put it here and hope it has good use for those who seek.

High Hopes - Gorilla Biscuits

Escape And Run - 7 Seconds

Break Down The Walls - Youth Of Today

Civilized Man - Shelter

Million Days - Dag Nasty

True Till Death - Chain Of Strenght

Straight On View - Unity

No Rules - Insted

Demand Independence - Better Than A Thousand

Straight Edge In Your Face - Ten Yard Fight

Shopping For A Crew - Good Clean Fun

Bust A Move - Diehard Youth

Promises Kept - Champion

Crooked Floors - Comeback Kid

You Wrote This Song For Me - Bane

Like Trumpets - With Honor

Guilty - Side By Side

Straight Edge Revenge - ProjectX

Big Mouth Strikes Again - Slapshot

Glue - SSD

New York Crew - Judge

Last Straw - Wide Awake

Open Up - D.Y.S

Force Of Change - Strife

Screamo Gotta Go - International Superheroes Of Hardcore

No Donnie, These Men Are Straight Edge - Casey Jones

What I’d Give - Battery

Take The Risk - In My Eyes

Save It For The Birds - Down To Nothing

All Aces - xLooking Forwardx

El Tiempo Es Ahora - Nueva Etica

Reflections - Trial

Straight Edge - Minor Threat


Not the religious kind of guy, but..,

My real brothers fear none of such despicable deeds. A mere taunting would not wet our hands with blood or tears.

My real brothers would rise, not in anger but infaithfulness. For our way is not violence.

Posers could dress alike and shout blasphemy whenever they like.

Posers could shout their throat dry, but real brothers understand that the Lord’s name is not a war cry.

Real brothers does not give in to wrath and offense. For our way is goodness and patience.

Posers would justify violence for defense against blasphemy. Real brothers could be hurt a lot deeper, they would whisper istigfar and sallu alan-nabi.


Alex (Taken with Instagram at Palace Athene)


Ex-S Sentinel (Taken with Instagram at Palace Athene)


Batman. Pen on misprinted inkjet paper. (Taken with Instagram)


Taken with Instagram at Drife


Simple things

The bus was conducted by a child. He was counting the money in his hand when i climbed in. The bus driver called him “son”. I guess he’s his child. They were conversing. And laughing, a little.

The conductor asked for the fare and i gave him. He then said to his father “we’ve got a hundred now.”

His father laughed. I didn’t understand why, but i smiled.

Simple conversation. Simple laugh. Simply enjoying the life they were forced to live. Simple things. Simply thinking whether i live a better life. So i laughed at the moment. To find laughter in impossible places. To realize that such happiness exist only for those who know where to look. While I’ve been busy, pointing fingers on every direction.

And all of a sudden the stranger i always see in the mirror wept as he realized that his memory almost no longer capable of recalling the sound of his father’s laughter.

Oh i missed that too.


Another decoration. Papercraft of Guy Fawkes’ mask. (Taken with Instagram at Drife)


New office decoration. Supported by imaginary friends and marvel (Taken with Instagram at Drife)


Captain America (Taken with Instagram)


Captain America (Taken with Instagram)


Taken with Instagram


been like this for almost 2 weeks now. doubt it will ever reach finalization. seems like it end here, incomplete and in failure.


here’s to live:

life is a journey, not a destination.

we’ll never had the chance to prepare ourself, for the journey, nor the arrival.

What you know now is that we already leaving, and the trip is not always pleasant.

It’s like we’re waking up in a car that travels to destination unknown and there is no gas station at all.

In a wide, wide road, with so many slopes and obstacles and sharp or smooth turns and crossroads.

No one actually knows where we come from. No one actually knows where we’re going.

There’re only those who pretend to know, just because they read the brochure that was given by agents in traffic areas.

So many crossroads, so many turns, most of us took the smoothest, some try the shortest, some like challenges.

But for sooner or later, one way or another, we all randomly learn some similar points;

that there is no such thing as certainty

there’s only probability

there’s no can or cannot

there’s only will or will not

or else that has yet to happen

there is no darkness

there’s only the absence of light

and those who are afraid of the dark

there’s no value, only judgement

there’s no real equations,  only overused metaphors

or abstract algebra, built by humans as a cheat sheet to simplify life.

there’s no truth, only justification

there is no condition, only emotion

there is no win or lose, there’s only comparison.

there is no secondary nor tertiary needs. only justified greed.

there is no stupidity, only ignorance

there’s no ending. only new beginning.

there is no random encounter. only greater goods and predetermined champion.

there’s no reason. only perspective.

there is no absolution. only denials

but what if i told you

that there is no destination?

that every step we take in our journey leads to another, and another, and another.

or what if i told you

that there is no trip.

that the highway itself is the destination we’re looking for

what if we have been wrong all of our life, but we are blinded?

what if in the perspective of others any of us are just another mindless animal, doing what we do everyday?

is it air that we breathe? Or just a socially approved concept?

is death is the end or just a step to another phase of existence?

here’s to live

live is a journey, not a destination

we are not prepared

we are might as well enjoy it.



Love Interruption

By Jack White

I want love
To roll me over slowly 
stick a knife inside me, 
and twist it all around. 

I want love to 
grab my fingers gently 
slam them in a doorway 
put my face into the ground. 

I want love to 
murder my own mother 
and take her off to somewhere 
like hell or up above. 

I want love to 
change my friends to enemies, 
change my friends to enemies 
and show me how it’s all my fault. 

I wont let love disrupt, corrupt or interrupt me x 2
Yeah I wont let love disrupt, corrupt, or interrupt me anymore. 

I want love to 
walk right up and bite me 
grab a hold of me and fight me 
leave me dying on the ground. 

And I want love to 
split my mouth wide open and 
cover up my ears, 
and never let me hear a sound. 

I want love to, 
forget that you offended me 
or how you have defended me, 
when everybody tore me down. 

Yeah I want love to 
change my friends to enemies, 
change my friends to enemies 
and show me how it’s all my fault. 

Yeah I wont let love disrupt, corrupt or interrupt me 
I wont let love disrupt, corrupt or interrupt me 
I wont let love disrupt, corrupt, or interrupt me anymore. 


the question of my life



the pale horse

in my mind. a drop of water falls. 

as it touches the pool of thought beneath, a distortion.

my ear hears what is unheard.

and the distortion carried upon my mouth.

foul language and tilted vision

blurry sight with colorful spectacles

scream, scars, scavenger

crypt, curate, curses, crucio!

the heart set afire and flame burns lifelike

scratching the sky for more, for more

noises, riffs, distortion

phone rings, vibrates, engines roar, horns horny

mental went ablaze

could there be more?

an abomination, a monster, a beast

corpse balm, bleach, dye, daily feast

no more honor, only hunger, only anger

justification fails you now, fear increase

logic bursting in blood red rainbow

the wailing trembles and reaches its highest pitch

seductive, proud, envious, yet avaricious, the filthiest bitch

the immortals remain deadly silent, the sloths

spleen berserks abrupt and all hades break loose

the noise strikes aloud, the loudest men can bear

let the bodies fall as them beheaded

blood stops flowing and the death is near

it follows very close behind the last rider

no more justice, no more fairness, men eat men

the sword be drawn it’s wielder’s blind

close your eyes you can see the foul visions of hell

close your ears the death screams inside

wear your mask the vulture will rip your face

and take them punches on your chest

run away, run like nothing else matters

your soul has been kept, death is the only way

you could not escape.

you could not be safe.

trees be burn and rivers run dry

grasses are now ashes and flowers bring achy

all hopes has been abandoned

humanity fails

the demons show themselves, they dwell on every crossroads

they ask for your soul, they’re bargaining for it

haven, they say, from all the beasts and filths and bitches

but you can’t sell what’s not yours

laughter falls and cry sets aloud

the eyes see what mind fails to believe

ears hear everything but tell nothing

be afraid, thy sinner, for none will be forgiven

the doom is upon us all


Mikey Welsh 1971 – 2011

“I KNOW, I KNOW FOR SURE…. THAT LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL AROUND THE WO-HURLD”… that was me, standing on top of the special goodness tour van, singing a rhcp song at the top of my lungs to a homeless man who was sprawled out on the sidewalk below.. we were on the second date of the first u.s. special goodness tour. The s.g. tour van was a 1978 chevrolet shortie conversion 350/350 w/ 3;42 gears [ I know this because pat just texted me this info about an hour ago] our van had also been painted a metallic turquoise-blue, the same color as all of pat’s other muscle cars…so here we were, in nyc.. on the lower east side.. it was me, pat, karl, and pat’s old friend lee, who we had brought in to play drums for us.. the first date of our tour was the night before, at Rutgers university in new jersey.. we had been rehearsing for the tour in an old shut down bar up in buffalo, n.y., which is where pat grew up….the show at Rutgers was kind of a nightmare… plagued with sound problems.. but at least a few hundred fans had shown up to see us, so we were very excited.. we got through that one pretty much intact.. the second date was here in nyc at brownies.. a really cool little club that I’m pretty sure is still there.. before our set, pat, karl and myself hung out at one end of the bar, greeting fans that were coming in.. we were having a really good time… but especially pat… the special goodness was his baby,, a musical project he had been working on for years.. and I think he was really stoked to have an actual band together, playing shows night after night, out on a u.s. tour that would take us from nyc all the way up to seattle.. and pretty much everywhere in between.. and I was happy to be able to be with him all of the time now… we hadn’t really seen each other that much since weezer rehearsals had dissolved and rivers had shut himself away in our old apartment… pat and I became very close rather quickly when I joined weezer…. And now we were together again.. I was especially happy that pat was singing and playing guitar… his preferred instrument.. so there we were inside brownies, just hanging out and laughing before the set.. I was drinking red wine [my usual] and pat was drinking beer.. I was also taking klonopin, which had been prescribed to me by my dr…. for a panic disorder.. my problem, however, was to take way too much of it and end up getting really looped-out… which I was now in the process of doing…. At some point a girl I met earlier in the evening had given me some speed.. I was back by the bathrooms with her, making out, when she slipped it to me.. thankfully, this happened not long before our set was to start, and the speed didn’t start hitting me until the end of our set.. all of the sound problems we had experienced the night before were now gone.. and we were really fucking good.. I think the song we usually opened with was “bullshit” we more or less charged through the set list.. pat and I would often walk up to each other during a song and stand just a few inches away from one another…we had a magical connection to each other in a musical sense.. it was always obvious to everyone that we were so connected as the rhythm section for weezer, but we had an even more intense bond when pat was playing guitar.. and we were on stage together. Anyways, we had a full room of fans there, and they were way into what we were doing.. but not all of the shows on this tour would turn out so happy-happy. We would be running into all kinds of weird and wrong situations… crazy [really crazy] women, bad drug experiences, too much taco bell, and I would eventually almost keel over and die from a mysterious illness in minnesotta…. The best was yet to come….



Kemendiknas yang saya hormati, semakin kemari saya semakin bertanya-tanya mengapa saya diajarkan rumus aljabar dan bukannya cara memberi kartu nama yang benar, atau cara bersalaman yang baik.


Clap, clap, clap your hands loud. Kick, kick, kick yourself hard. Keep beating ‘til there’s blood.
Kapow! - Young and Restless

e pluribus unum


Rest in Peace, dude.



Never trust a guy who sleep on a mattress without a bed, in a room with a lot of smiley painted on as graffiti, with a fluorescent neon turned on and lots of magazine cutout posters. He eats instant noodle for breakfast. True story.

Nella fantasia io vedo un mondo giusto, Lì tutti vivono in pace e in onestà. Io sogno d'anime che sono sempre libere, come le nuvole che volano, pien’ d'umanità in fondo all'anima.


Nella Fantasia by Chiara Ferraù

In my fantasy I see a fair world,

Where everyone lives in peace and honesty.

I dream of a place to live that is always free,

Like a cloud that floats,

Full of humanity in the depths of the soul.




Hanya manusia yang bisa menyakiti diri sendiri dengan sengaja
Dedy Corbuzier



down in the wood (by catenoir)



(by Dan McPharlin)



Random Collage (by When Skies Are Grey)




[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d_k5DUi_FqE?feature=oembed&enablejsapi=1&origin=http://safe.txmblr.com&wmode=opaque&w=500&h=375]

anybody remember this?


[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XE5IR6bBwS8?feature=oembed&enablejsapi=1&origin=http://safe.txmblr.com&wmode=opaque&w=500&h=375]

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=He82NBjJqf8?feature=oembed&enablejsapi=1&origin=http://safe.txmblr.com&wmode=opaque&w=500&h=375]

Until now, I never really care about what they’re actually saying. Except for the chorus. And the barking, too.



9 out of 10 kids prefer crayons to guns
Pearl Jam

I see a …who wasn’t there

I was getting through the ticket barrier to join the queue in a busway shelter. I pull my phone off my pocket and plug the headset. I was starting to play some music when something caught my attention. She was a little bit too tall for a lady. Her hair was long, and from where I was standing, it was impossible to see her face. She passed the ticket barrier and joined the queue. Her posture was a little bit crooked. She wore a very long dress that swapped the floor, which I think was weird for someone as tall (I guess she’s about 190 cms or so). She joined the queue and passed through the gaps between queuing people that were not too tight (this, even though very annoying, is considered normal in where I come from). And what’s weirder was that I seemed to be the only person that got stunned by her. Then as she turned to her right side to where I finally able to see her face, I shivered. Her face was like a statue. A very old statue. It really seemed as it was carved out of a very hard rock, and oiled. Her skin was red as burnt flesh. Then all of a sudden, she looks back at me. As I was seeing her eyes, cold wind stroke the back of my neck. I looked behind her and acted as if I was staring that thing behind her (my standard protocol when get caught staring). And suddenly someone bumped me from behind. I almost jumped of shock, but somehow managed to overcome (even though I’m pretty sure that anyone can see it clearly from my face) when I realized that it was just another passenger. So I looked back to where I was looking just a moment ago. No bus had stopped yet, and she was too tall to be hidden among other passengers, but she was nowhere to be found. Apparently I wasn’t looking at a human at all.


et cum aperuisset sigillum secundum audivi secundum animal dicens veni, et exivit alius equus rufus et qui sedebat super illum datum est ei ut sumeret pacem de terra et ut invicem se interficiant et datus est illi gladius magnus
Vulgate 6: 3-4 

To live and die by our own rules- free.
Secondhand Serenade - Half Alive

I don’t know how to put this the better way.

I broke my heart in two and give the bigger part to you. And swore to you that no matter what you do with it, with this piece I got left, I’ll always love you.

And they say that love - that’s really love - could never fail. But fail, it did.

Now, wondering how did I fail you. Trying to always be by your side, no matter how much it hurts me. And once again I fail as a man. So I walked away. I put my smile and try to make it work. Pretend not to care. Pretend that everything is better now. But I still sing sad songs with red eyes.

And when getting angry doesn’t solve anything, I laugh instead. But all the laughter were all laughing back at me. They laugh at the way I scream your name in the middle of the night. they laugh at my songs. At how I become so weak.

They say time heals. And little by little, you fade and I started to live my life. I thought. But how, when so many buildings, so many cars, roads, and for fuck’s sake, just how the fuck every light, every scent, every fuckin song I like remind me on how many things in my previous live vanish into thin air?

how can I forget you when even with my eyes closed, I can still feel you?

Do you miss me? Do you even think of me? Do you laugh the way you used to be? Do you remember? The day you will laugh happily to all the jokes I say? The first day I hugged you? Do you remember our promises? That you will regret your whole life by breaking it? The funny thing is that I kept my promise. But I’m the one kneeling, raising my hand to the heavens above, with resentment in my eyes.

So, what if I never hold you near, or kiss your lips again?

Now, that I’ve lost you, it kills me to say, I tried to hold on as you slowly slip away. I’ve lost the fight. I treated you so wrong. So for all the things we’ve got left, let me make it right.

To tell you now, all I can say that I won’t expect anything from anyone from now on. I will not take anything for granted. I will live my life. Try as hard as I can not to hurt anyone. If I could change, I would. Not for you or anyone else. But for me. With you, all my hopes and dreams are broken. but hopes and dreams was not made of sand. It was made of life, so it will grow. As my skin turns yellow. I forget this hell. As the skies are bruised, and the rain comes down. As my face turns pale. Try to deal with these thoughts.

At the end of it all, I still miss you


Am I the only one who get erection seeing tinkerbell the first time?

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tytz4k_3G2M?feature=oembed&enablejsapi=1&origin=http://safe.txmblr.com&wmode=opaque&w=500&h=375]

[vimeo 23848059 w=500 h=281]

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqOTU89cgC4?feature=oembed&enablejsapi=1&origin=http://safe.txmblr.com&wmode=opaque&w=500&h=375]

Fox News got pwnd!


Just for the record, this is indeed true… Fairly recently, I reached out to the guys to try and make amends and offered to reconcile for the sake of having peace back in our lives (plus I know how much it meant to alot of the fans.) I figured it was still possible to try and save us because they hadn’t made any announcements yet or begun any public activity with another drummer but sadly, they declined my offer (well, actually their lawyer did…they didn’t even tell me themselves.)

Sorry gang, I honestly gave it my all… So now the fans on my twitter and facebook can please stop asking me to go back to DT. I tried, and the door is now shut, the ball is now in their court, not mine.

PS – I’m not crying or looking for mercy by posting this. I am merely trying to set the record straight as that is always the most important thing about my relationship with you guys. no BS, no spins, nothing to hide and for better or for worse, I tell it like it is.

I’ve also recently seen some people accuse my online activity of “looking for attention or media coverage” or “looking for sympathy”, but it’s honestly none of the above. I merely value having an open and active communication with my fans, always have, always will. It is the cornerstone of everything I’ve done since day #1 with DT.

This was posted here FOR YOU GUYS to know about here on MY message board on MY website. If it ends up on Blabbermouth or some other website that chooses to sensationalize it, that is THEIR doing. I did not send it out or create a “press release”. I am merely responding on a thread on my own Forum.

Anyways, onward and upward.

Mike Portnoy

Perahu negeriku, perahu bangsaku
Jangan retak dindingmu
Semangat rakyatku, derap kaki tekadmu
Jangan terantuk batu

Tanah pertiwi anugerah ilahi
Jangan ambil sendiri
Tanah pertiwi anugerah ilahi
Jangan makan sendiri

R.I.P Franky Sahilatua (1953-2011)



[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o2oZWpqtNi4?feature=oembed&enablejsapi=1&origin=http://safe.txmblr.com&wmode=opaque&w=500&h=375]

le epic answer


[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XREnvJRkif0?feature=oembed&enablejsapi=1&origin=http://safe.txmblr.com&wmode=opaque&w=500&h=375]

le epic question



When i’m unemployed, all day is only about designing, browsing, and listening to the music I like. Now that i get a job… all day is only about designing, browsing, and listening to the music I like… with better computer.
~ Me

“Bye bye, Blackbird”


I ignore text messages. I let the phone ring. I log off all chats. I stop tweet. It’s nothing personal, really. I’m just sick of pretending that I’m okay.



I just need some time to be alone. Just to make sure I still can make it on my own. I’ll just play dead for a little while. If you’re reading this it’s probably too late. Just, I wonder how long it takes for you all to forget my name. I’m sorry to leave you all like this. I’m sorry.


taken with my phone camera. an amazing sunset behind Passer Baroe, Jl. Gunung Sahari, Jakarta.


Play some rock
Play some rock
Please don’t stop
Coming home
Coming home


[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5Kf4zBL6V8?feature=oembed&enablejsapi=1&origin=http://safe.txmblr.com&wmode=opaque&w=500&h=281]

A video tribute to Cobain by Jared Letto.

“I heard today was the day Kurt passed away 17 years ago. Can’t believe it’s been that long. So grateful for his contribution and inspiration. Not sure I’d be doing this if it weren’t for him. He gave us all permission to create no matter what our skill set and reminded me that dreams are possible. Thanks for that. This made me recall a short piece of film I shot when I heard they were making a film celebrating his life. I made it to explore the character and explore creative possibilities. I never sent it to the studio or to anyone but thought I’d share it now…”

~ Jared Letto

taken from http://jaredleto.com/thisiswhoireallyam